I held a gun today.

I held a gun, and I aimed it at the back of my senior year apartment building. I stood there, packing heat, looking serious.  Then I realized my hand was trembling, and just now I thought I should let you know there were no bullets.  But! It is the same kind of cool steel gun that James Bond uses.  And I'm wearing all black today. And I looked awesome.

 

I should just have you know that I am seriously anti-gun, as is my boss, and we really did NOT like the gun in the office and got all freaked out and did little girl squeals about it.  My boss's rationalization for holding the gun? "Well, if those desperate housewives can shoot guns…"

 

Oh I should also let you know that the gun belongs to our security director, a lovely woman who is even teenier in stature than I, and who packs. Heat.  She got shot TWICE, and will show you the scars if you ask. 

 

I should ALSO let you know that my 13 year old sister is a junior member of the NRA.

 

Oh, there is another, also true version of the story, in which i was attacked on my way to Whole Foods, and using some slick tae-bo moves, I managed to wrangle the gun from my attacker and shoot off the tip of his nose with perfect aim, leaving him terribly maimed but still alive.  Because I am, after all, anti-gun.

 

On a totally unrelated thought, this is my favorite text conversation of my life:

 

Me, 4:56 pm: [REDACTED], also, v drunk

Katie, 5:27 pm:  Oh my, are you winning?

Me, 6:34 pm: haha so not winning. Btw do you know what a lemon party is?

Katie, 6:41 pm: no, what is it

Me, 7:13 pm: look it up, I had to

Katie,  10:21 pm: Are you still alive?

Katie, 10:36 pm: Dead you are dead!!

Katie, 10:36 pm: Don't worry I will take care of your fish.

Me, 11:03 pm: alive, drunk, [REDACTED]

 

Actually, upon further reflection, this is not the greatest text conversation ever, but it's pretty awesome for several reasons:

1. please note the symmetry of my first and last texts. The redacted text was almost the same, as well.
2. I got to redact information.  I mean, I guess I could include the redacted information, but then I wouldn't have a secret, would I?
3. If I had to go around an ENTIRE PARTY asking what a lemon party is, you can at least experience the WONDER and GLORY of googling it for yourself.
4. Katie is such a good friend. I go to an event where I am away from my phone for 15 minutes and she determines I am dead. I mean, she's really looking out for me there.  At least my fish will be taken care of.  He's anorexic, you know.

 

Actually, last night we decided my fish is not anorexic, merely going on a hunger strike, like ghandi, to protest world hunger and global warming, and possibly oil consumption.  He's a whole new kind of betta fish.  Last night I said he was a Buddha fish, but in the light of today, that seems a little punny for my tastes.  (like that time someone said I should call my old fish Annette, "Annette Finnicello" instead of Funicello. Luckily, Frankie Avalon is not so easily fish-punnable.)

 

 

Point of Clarification:  I know I made that whole big deal about writing about the marathon training and how that's all I was going to do blah blah blah, but then not five minutes (and three weeks into training) later, I hurt myself and was put on rest for 2 weeks.  And then I was told I could not run my 10 mile race, and then I cried for two days, and then I thought, welp, I'm moving in a week anyway so I should probably pack instead of run.  And so you know what I did? I watched Dirty Dancing five times and a Jon & Kate plus 8 Marathon instead of packing.  And now I'm moving in two days, so instead of crying over my non-race I'm crying over how much I have left to do.  So clearly it was time to update.